My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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