The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize