i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Sober January is a disaster.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
