What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
