The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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