the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
