I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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