What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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