Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
