My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
