I should be sponsored by Trojan
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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