my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
