Just fell off a train. Bad.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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