There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
