so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
