I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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