Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
