You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
