can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize