So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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