I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
