I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
