dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
