i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
