Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
