so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
