i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
