Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
