Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
