Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
