We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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