I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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