well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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