i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
