I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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