i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
