Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
