we should wear snuggies to the strip club
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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