I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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