The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
