Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
