Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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