she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
