I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
