Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
