well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
