bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
