Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
