I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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