Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
