I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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