I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
