i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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