we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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