just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
