Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
