Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
