On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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