You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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