my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
