you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
