bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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