non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
