Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
