We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
