I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
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