dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
