I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
