Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
