I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
