awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
